Why I hate public toilets

First of all, the very term "public toilet" sends a shiver up my spine in the worst sort of way. I have always had a loathing for public toilets. Sometimes you can help but be forced to use one, (i.e., the emergency work poop) but in general, I have always tried to avoid them at all possible costs. Take, for instance, the work-related conference I attended earlier this week. Because I work in the social service field where there are very few men to start with, this means that conferences that I attend are also pretty light in the testosterone loafers. In essence, this meant that anytime a presenter would pause to allow a potty break, a mad dash of 200 women filed into the ladies' restroom like a tightly packed can of sardines. And can I just ask, why does the women's restroom always have to smell like the foul nucleus of a water reclamation plant? I mean, really... is it necessary?? To make matters worse, the thought of placing my butt on a thin, still-warm-from-previous-user wafer of plastic which has experienced about 199 other butts in the span of an hour is less than savory. Ah ha! I'll fool those germs. I'll mask the toilet seat with a thin layer of toilet paper or one of those liners. That oughta do it. But nope, all that did was to help absorb the previous user's driplets. Better yet, forget it. I'll skip the paper lining and just go with the squatting technique (which can only be used under certain conditions, unless you want backsplash, if you know what I mean.) I have long since mastered the squatting craft, but many have not. The spatter, the lack of flushing, the poor judgment regarding just how much tissue can be sustained without some sort of cloggage or major overflow... the questionable smearing on the bathroom stall doors, the "swing and a miss" attempts to dispose of sanitary items, the light dusting of cigarette ashes on the seat in a failed effort to disguise smoking in a non-smoking location. And as much as I love old folks, I think there should be a separate set of bathrooms for folks over 65. Do I need to go on? I didn't think so, either.

I think all public toilets should go the O'Hare Airport route whereby you wave your hand in front of this little sensor, and bzzzzzzt.... brand new, disposable toilet seat cover for your butt and your butt only. Genius! Now, I realize that my fellow environmentalists are scowling right now as they picture their local landfills brimming with plastic toilet seat cover cozies flapping in the wind, but come on. Let's do the math together on this one. Somewhere there's got to be some sort of public toilet mathematical formula for demonstrating that the health and sanitary benefits by far outweigh a few million disposable toilet seat covers. Maybe we could make them out of re-recycled plastic, at least. Or, maybe we could sell the used covers to local gas stations and they can liquefy them for alternative fuel for hybrid cars.

I know I'm not alone on this one.